Interdisciplinary

Interpersonal Communications

Comm 2110-044

 

Kristen Peters

Comm 2110-044

Personal Change Project

04/09/2011

Submitted to Tamara Phillips

Overview:

This paper outlines my personal change project.  My goal for this project was to change the way I react while in conflict, when I’m feeling upset, and when I’m feeling or angry.  In order to achieve this I applied a few strategies from my book and a couple, not in my text, I thought may also help.  I had some good results but, it was challenging and I do still have a lot of work to do to make this a long lasting achievement and to improve further.

Unwanted Communication Pattern:

When I’m in a conflict and get upset or angry, I have a tendency to yell.  I have wanted to change this behavior for a while because it effects my relationships negatively, makes the people I’m yelling at stop listening to me, my children are starting to behave this way as well, and I’d like to teach them to better manage their emotions while in conflict in order to get better results and maintain good relationships with others.

Here are examples:

• When I was younger I really wanted to go to my friend’s house for Spring break.  Spring break was about a week long and my friend lived a six minute walk away from my house.  When my mom said no without hearing my whole argument as to why I wanted to and why I thought I should be able to, I was angry.  I started yelling at her and told her she was a terrible mother and I hated her.  I got completely irrational which, in turn, made her very angry.  She then shut me out completely and started yelling at me and telling me I was disrespectful and unappreciative.  At this point neither of us was listening to each other.  We were just yelling and eventually it morphed into an argument about completely different things. Managing emotions is one of the conflict management skills.  You need to be aware that you are becoming angry and emotionally volatile, and seek to understand why you are angry and emotional (Beebe 239)
• When I moved back here from North Carolina there were a lot of adjustments to be made by us all.  My children are very schedule oriented and any shift in their schedule makes them uncomfortable and upsets them.  My mom and my sister were used to yelling and being loud at all hours of the night.  They didn’t have to worry about being quiet for sleeping babies.  One night my mom and sister got into an argument and were yelling at each other at 9:30 pm.  My children, at this point, had been in bed for almost two hours.  I went in and politely asked them to try to keep it down a bit so they wouldn’t wake up my kids.  Horrible time to go in there.  They both then turned on me and started yelling at me for interrupting their fight and “butting in.”  I wasn’t trying to get involved at all.  I just wanted them to be a little quieter but they viewed it differently.  My son woke up and was screaming and crying because all the yelling scared him.  I ran in his room to take care of him and they followed me still yelling which, made me very angry that they would walk into his room after waking him up and scaring him, still yelling.  I tried to remain calm and just gave them a look like they had better get out or I was going to explode but, they obviously didn’t get it because they kept right on yelling.  By this point, my son is sobbing, confused and scared.  I screamed as loud as I could and told them to get out.  That made things worse and the fight ended in me pushing them out of the room and locking the door. You need to make a conscious decision about whether or not to express you anger (Beebe 239)

In both situations yelling made everything so much worse.  Nobody was listening to each other.  No progress was being made and it was damaging our relationship.  In the first one, I said hurtful things to my mom and she said hurtful things to me.  Then, we both stopped listening to each other.  In the second one, there were more people involved and more people got hurt.  My son ended up getting woken up, extremely scared and confused and then wouldn’t go near my mom or sister for about three days.  It damaged his relationship with them and my relationship with them. I needed to plan my message, breathe, monitor nonverbal messages, avoid personal attacks, and select a mutually acceptable time and place to discuss the conflicts instead. (Beebe 239-240)

Strategies:

I actually decided to change this habit long before this class but, everything I tried didn’t work out too well.  When I applied a few strategies from the book with a couple other strategies I had a much better outcome.  I so desperately wanted to break the cycle and vicious pattern of yelling when in conflicts and create more positive outcomes.

The first strategy I thought may be helpful was enhancing my responding skills by asking appropriate questions (Beebe 139).  By asking appropriate questions, you ensure that you are understanding the message the other person is trying to get across and getting additional details you may have missed.  “One research study by communication researchers Janet Bavelas, Linda Coates, and Trudy Johnson found that speakers did a better job of sharing a story if listeners asked appropriate questions and make appropriate responses to the story rather than offering no observation about what they heard.” (Beebe 139)  The research found that when speakers had a listener who asked questions and made specific responses in meaningful ways, the speakers were better at telling their story and used more details and gave a clearer description. 

I figured maybe I didn’t fully understand what was going on or being said and getting upset when I didn’t need to.  If I could figure out exactly what people are saying and why people are reacting the way they are or why they choose the behaviors they do and I understand them, then it would be easier to keep my cool and not yell.

•   Example:

Person A: You make me so mad!

Me:  How do I do that?

Person A: You’re you.

Me: Ok but, what do I do that makes you mad?

Person A: The way you look at me like that.

Me: How am I looking at you?  Can you describe it to me?

Person A: Like I always disappoint you.

Me: I didn’t realize I looked at you like that.  Can you show me the look so I can try not to do it in the future?

Second, I thought working on my empathetic responding skills would be helpful. (Beebe 142-144).  Sometimes, just imagining how the other person must feel in a particular situation is enough to induce empathy and lead you to an appropriate response.  Also, paraphrasing not only what the person has said to you but, the emotions behind the words they are saying can be very helpful.  Sometimes people need for you to not only understand them but, to provide emotional and social support.  People need to know you care about them. (Beebe 142)

If I could show people I care about what’s going on with them in their life and that I understand how they are feeling, I may find that I don’t get angry at all because I am taking the time to feel what they are feeling.  Doing so would probably also change the way they choose to communicate with me as well.  They may yell less at me which would make it even easier for me to stop yelling.  Nobody would be getting mad and we’d all understand how each other feels.

•  Example:

Person A: I failed my math test. 

Me: O man! Are you angry or sad about it?

Person A: I’m actually some of both.

Me: That’s how I felt when I got that horrible grade on my history test.  I’m sorry.  Is there a make-up test or extra credit you could do?

Person A: No, and she doesn’t even grade on a curve.  Everyone did horrible on the test!

Me: I know just what you need; a large iced caramel macchiato.  My treat! I am also really good at math so, how about next time, a week before the test, I help you study?

 Person A: That would be awesome!  Thanks.

Third, I thought being more flexible rather than rigid towards others (175), would be helpful as well.  Most people don’t like a “know-it-all.” The “you’re wrong and I’m right,” mentality doesn’t go far because it makes people mad.  This doesn’t mean you can’t have opinions different from others but, sometimes it’s just best to agree to disagree if you can’t come to a mutual agreement.  Being soft tends to get a much better reaction that being hard and cold or matter of fact about it. (Beebe 175)

• Example:

Person A: Did you know that 75% of the germs that cause bad breath live on your tongue?

Me: Actually, they did a new study and they now believe it’s 90%.

Person A:  No way!  I don’t believe you.  It’s only 75%.

Me: I think I saw the article in the Health and Fitness Today magazine but, I could be wrong.  You might be right. It could be 75%.

I thought learning to not be a know-it-all would help a lot just because the two main people I have most of my yelling issues with are the same way so, if we aren’t all trying to know everything, we might get a lot further in communicating together.  I also thought by doing this it may be a sort of “lead by example” thing.  If I showed them I am ok with no always being right and I won’t continue to argue my point but rather, to just agree to disagree at times, they may pick up the habit as well.

I also used post-its around the house to remind me to remain calm, not to yell, and listed the three skills listed above.  I posted them in all the bathrooms, in the kitchen, inside cupboards, on countertops, on a sticky note on my computer screen, in my bedroom, and on every mirror and door.  I thought the post-its would help remind me what I needed to do and to keep me focused on my goal.  They did do just that.  I would be having a discussion with my mom or sister and look up and see one of my post-its, take a breather, and apply the concept.  It worked really well.

Next, at the end of every journal entry I would put a quote to inspire me.  I used this as a positive self talk method.  I thought the added inspiration and positive self talk would help by letting me know I could do it and what to work on in order to be able to obtain my goal.  I did notice it helped quite a bit.  I noticed I remembered the quotes I was writing at the end of my journal entries and the next time I was in a situation where one of them applied, it would pop into my head and I’d calm down and react so differently.  It amazed me at how much this helped.  I eventually wrote all the quotes on post-its and stuck them all over my vanity mirror in my bedroom so I could read them all the time.

• Examples:

 “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”- unknown (http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Communication1.htm)

“We think according to nature. We speak according to rules. We act according to custom.”- Francis Bacon (http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Communication1.htm)

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.”- Dale Carnegie (http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Communication1.htm)

“The basic building block of good communications is the feeling that every human being is unique and of value.”- Unknown (http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Communication3.htm)

“The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people.”- Woodrow Wilson

(http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Communication3.htm)

“A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.” –Ludwig Erhard (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/compromise.html)

“Compromise and tolerance are magic words.”- Hedy Lemarr (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/compromise.html)

“Feeling is the consciousness of the resulting conditions – of success, failure, equilibrium, compromise or balance, in this continuous rivalry of ideas.” -James M. Baldwin (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/compromise_2.html)

“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”- the golden rule

“I shall argue that strong men, conversely, know when to compromise and that all principles can be compromised to serve a greater principle.” -Andrew Carnegie (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/compromise_3.html)

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars” – khalil Gibran from Criminal Minds, 2011

“No ones life is as beautiful and glorious as those on the outside perceive it to be. Keep that in mind when you’re telling people they wouldn’t understand or assume their life is so spectacular. It’s probably not and they may understand all too well and more than you know.” – me, myself, and I

“I would wrap you in angels just to keep you safe.”- Me

 

“That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”- unknown

 

“We r so accustomed 2 disguising ourselves 2 others that we soon become disguised 2 ourselves.”- Anonymous from Criminal Minds, 2011

 

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”- George Bernard Shaw (http://thinkexist.com/quotations/communication/4.html)

 

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”- Anthony Robbins (http://thinkexist.com/quotations/communication/4.html)

“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”- Sue Patton Theole (http://thinkexist.com/quotations/communication/4.html)

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” – Thomas Edison (http://www.buzzle.com/articles/inspirational-quotes-for-difficult-times.html)

“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” – Robert Schuller (http://www.buzzle.com/articles/inspirational-quotes-for-difficult-times.html)

Constraints:

The challenges I had in changing my yelling behavior were human nature based or instilled when I was young and it’s all I know.  Yelling when I am angry or upset is a habit I grew up not only doing but experiencing when others were mad or upset with me.  I noticed it was so easy to revert to that behavior and very hard to not do it when emotions came up.  My mother always yelled at me and still does.  Her father did it to her when she was growing up so, she learned it.  All her sisters exhibited this behavior as well.  My great grandpa and grandma yelled all the time with my grandpa.  As you can see, the cycle just kept going.

• Example:

Person A: (Yelling) I am so sick of you doing homework.  It’s really annoying.

Me: (irritated) Well, I can’t just fail school and live in your house forever.

Person A: (Yelling) You have all day, every day to do homework.  I don’t understand why you have to spend all your time from the minute you wake up until the minute you go to bed doing homework.  I think you’re really just messing around all day.

Me: (Yelling) I don’t have all day every day to do homework.  I take care of 3 children, home school one of them, clean an entire household, do the laundry of five people, and cook every meal every day from scratch.  All that takes most of my day and it’s a lot of work.  I do all that so you can come home and do nothing so, don’t complain to me about me doing homework when you get home.

Human instinct is very hard to counteract.  When in an argument, you kind of get a flight or fight response.  You either defend your position or give up.  Fighting was always my initial instinct and I would fight and yell to the death if I had to.  I always won my arguments simply because people would get sick of me yelling, tune me out, or just give in.  It is not in my nature to give up and run away although, sometimes I think it would actually be better.

• Example:

Me: Can you please rinse off your dishes?

Person A: No.  I don’t have to.

Me: Please.  I asked you nicely and I really don’t want to fight about this.

Person A: You’re not my mom and I don’t have to.

Me: I may not be your mom but, when she’s gone I am in charge and I am telling you to rinse your plate.

Person A: I’m telling you no! I don’t have to and I don’t want to!

Me: I don’t care if you want to or not.  You will rinse this plate.  I am not your slave and I don’t do everything for you.  You are a teenager and you can rinse your own plate.  Rinse the plate now or I will take your friend home right now.

Person A: Fine, I’ll rinse the dang plate.

 

Implementation:

I could identify the constraint simply by my level of irritability. If I was extremely irritable or getting there I knew I needed to do something fast.  To counteract the two constraints listed above, when I felt like I was getting so irritated I was going to yell, I did a few things.  I would walk away and calm down before further addressing the issue, take a deep breath and count to ten, look for a post-it to remind me to remain calm and what steps I was working on, and remembered that nothing had to turn to a yelling match.  I tried to remember to be empathetic, listen and ask questions, and agree to disagree when the subject wasn’t of vital importance, which I found to be approximately 99% of the time.  I planned to at the very least gain some control over my anger and yell less often.  A lot of things attempted to prevent me from accomplishing my goal.  Some of those things were my daughter acting out at home and school, my sister giving me attitude, my mom yelling at me so much I could barely stand to ever be in the same room with her, and my 2 year old son throwing a tantrums.  Even with all these things happening, I was still able to accomplish my goal.

• Example:

 Person A: (Yelling) I am so sick of you.

Me: (saw note on fridge reminding me to be empathetic) I am very sorry you’re sick of me but, we are family and we live together so we will have to learn to work together as a team.- saw note on refrigerator.  I get sick of me sometimes too.  Let’s just take some time to calm down and we can talk about this again when we are calm.  Sound ok? (I said it very calmly and kept eye contact.)

 Person A: Yeah, ok.

• Example:

Person A: (comes in yelling) I had a horrible day today and I walk in to find dinner isn’t even put away yet?  How hard is it to just put away dinner?

Me: I’m sorry you had a bad day.  My day has been bad too.  Xavier has been really sick and throwing up all day and I wasn’t able to get anything done since he just wanted to lay on me all day, the girls needed help with their homework, and it was bath night for all three of them.  I ran late getting dinner which, postponed the baths and I just barely got done with all of that and was about to put the dinner away.  I will make you a plate and if you want to talk about it, I’d like to hear more about your day.  Can you tell me what happened that made it bad? (Kept eye contact, used my empathetic responding skill by letting her know I understood how she felt, and enhanced responding skills by asking appropriate questions)

Person A: (Yelling) I really don’t want to talk to you right now.  Just clean up this mess now!

Me: Ok.  I can respect that.  I am here if you would like to talk later.  Would you like me to make you a plate before I put the food away? (I was flexible by letting it go and being soft about the situation)

Person A: That would be great.  Thank you.  I’m sorry I yelled.

 

Results:

I would say I cut out 75% of the yelling I was doing previously.  I do still have times when I lose it and yell but, for the most part, I remember all my strategies and remain calm and collected.  I noticed that my behavior change did make people yell at me less.  They appreciated me not yelling and knew I was trying to understand what was going on.  Sometimes, mainly with my mom, my empathy and questioning was taken as condescending and/or manipulative which, it obviously wasn’t.

I think this really worked out for me like the text said it would and I am very satisfied with the changes made so far.  By being more empathetic, listening better, and being more flexible instead of ridged, I was able to see and understand things I wouldn’t have otherwise.  There were times when we were able to all get through a dispute without yelling and it wasn’t just me not yelling while everyone else was.

 

Recommendations:

I am going to continue to finish changing the yelling behavior and make it my nature rather than having the yelling come natural to me by using all the same methods I’ve been using.  By enhancing my empathetic responding skills I was able to show people that I understood how they were feeling and why they were feeling that way.  By enhancing my responding skills by asking appropriate questions I was able to better understand what people were saying and why they were saying or doing the things they were which made it easier to not get angry about it.  By being more flexible rather than ridged I was able to learn when it was best to just leave the situation or agree to disagree.  If it’s not life and death or psychologically damaging to my children, it’s really not worth yelling and fighting over. (Beebe 139-145, 175)  Why try something else when these ones have worked so well for me?  Of course, this will take time but, I am willing to take the time so my children will learn the way to properly communicate in conflicts and when irritated.  Hopefully, my mom and sister will pick up more of the changed behavior as well. 

 

Works Cited:

Stephen A. Beebe, Susan J. Beebe, Mark V. Redmond (2009). Interpersonal communications Sixth edition: Relating to Others, pgs 139, 142-144, 175, 239-240

Criminal Minds, 2011

Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. Make Anger Your Ally, back cover 

http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Communication1.htm

http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Communication3.htm

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/compromise.html

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/compromise_2.html

http://thinkexist.com/quotations/communication/4.html 

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/inspirational-quotes-for-difficult-times.html

Reflections:

• Did this assignment help you understand and apply concepts from the course?
• What did you learn in this assignment that will help you in other classes and/or in your career?
• How does this assignment connect with what you learned in other Gen Ed courses?

 

This assignment made me apply all the concepts I learned in this class.  I had to apply the concept of being others-oriented, conflict management, associate which type of conflicts I was in, and self-talk. 

I learned while I experienced things.  I learned how to better communicate with my family, peers, and also within my work environment.  Although, in this assignment I only used examples within my home, I did apply all this to work and peers as well.  I will be better able to communicate, in the future, with my teachers, other students, co-workers, subordinates, superiors, as well as my family members.  All of these things helped my relationships within my family and will greatly help me in my career and every other class I have from here on out.

This is my first semester working towards my associates but, this class helped me learn to ask and clarify, with my teachers and fellow students, what exactly was expected from assignments I may have been a little confused on.  I learned how to word things better so I didn’t come off as rude which, is easy to do in computer mediated communication, and I learned etiquette for computer mediated communication.  All of that has helped me communicate better with teachers and other students. 

I immensly enjoyed this class and found it very useful and informative.  I am so happy I got the opportunity to take it and I think communications classes should be manditory starting in junior high.  I can’t help but wonder how much further I would be in life by now if I had something like this class back then.  I think it is safe to say if we all had, we’d be a lot better off and we would have learned how relationships really work without so much trial and error.  If we all learned this throughout our lives, I think, there would be decreased divorce and abuse rates.  I also think we, as a society and as individuals, would be happier because the relationships in our lives would be happier and conflicts within them would get worked out easier due to better communication habits and practices.